I would be lying if I said the last 4 (post-Ireland) months have been easy or comfortable or good or restful. They have been miserable and exhausting at times, and just kind of grating. The whole time, I have sensed God telling me that I will be staying a while in Texas. When I was 18, I had to trouble moving 1400 miles away for college. Then, it was relatively easy for me to move to Ireland without any sort of plan. When I got back from Ireland though, the hardest thing in the world for me seemed to be the only thing God was telling me to do-to stay here, in Texas.
Practically speaking, the transition back has been easy. I started a job within a week, my parents welcomed me back home, and I’ve fallen back into step with most of the relationships I had before I left. SO…why has this adjustment sucked? (I don’t know how else to say it.) Because of ME. I have been resistant. I haven’t wanted to accept the fact that it might not be God’s will for me to jet across the world again anytime soon. I know cross-cultural adjustment is hard in itself, but I haven’t done myself any favors. I think I’ve been resisting adjustment because I wanted to tell God: “See, I’m just not cut out for life here.” Maybe I’m not, forever, but at least for now I am.
God has been graciously revealing truths about this situation to me over the past few weeks, and it has been painful. It’s so humbling to realize that I am actually the cause of a lot of the discomfort in my life, while the previous 4 months I was convinced that I knew what was best and God was just confused by wanting to keep me here. When will I ever learn? God knows me better than I could ever know myself.
I don’t know why it’s hard for me to trust God to provide for me here at home, but that means God has a lot of room to grow my faith and trust in Him. As I type this, I still have a lot of doubts….but every day God is softening my heart a little bit more and reminding me that He is able: “able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us” (Ephesians 3:20). That is something I can rest in, something I can trust in, something I can hope in.